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other by Fairygirl12345


Submitted on
January 31, 2012
Image Size
3.1 MB


46 (who?)

Camera Data

Shutter Speed
1/160 second
Focal Length
22 mm
ISO Speed
Date Taken
Mar 21, 2009, 4:25:02 PM
Adobe Photoshop CS3 Windows
Suicide Note by starlight879 Suicide Note by starlight879
Suicide Note

I experienced the most amazing and most destructive days of my life not too long ago.

November 17, 2011

I wasnít really paying attention until I heard, ďput a gun in her mouth and pulled the triggerĒ.

Iím sitting with nineteen other classmates about to witness an autopsy. As excited as I was, I knew in the back of my mind that this probably would not be very good for my mental health.

There were two bodies that day. A seventy three year old white male, who had gotten into a car accident. A thirty nine year old white female who essentially ďput a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger.Ē

They began the autopsy of the male, but I couldnít take my eyes off her. She was dead, lying on the metal table, still fully clothed, with blood all over her face and body. I overheard they had finished the autopsy of the male. I thought that was rather quick. They had cut him open, taken out his pacemaker, and closed him back up, ruling his death a death of natural causes. A heart attack probably.

I still couldnít take my eyes off her. I was drawn to her. I didnít exactly feel sorry for her though. Itís not because Iím a mean person, but that I envied her. It was only two months earlier that I had a plan to shoot myself. The only reason I didnít was because I didnít know how to buy a gun.

I wonít share the dirty details of the autopsy but like I said, it was the most amazing thing Iíve ever seen.

Another student during the autopsy said, ďHow could she do such a stupid thing?Ē and not in a sad tone. She literally thought this girl was fucking stupid and a waste of time. I however thought she wasnít stupid. I thought she was courageous. I longed to trade places with her.

Since then on I have thought about death and suicide many times. It isnít normal, I know. I guess when I really think about death, a whisper of fear is always there. I donít want to fear death anymore. I want to welcome it. Now when I think about it, I see her face. I see the dried blood and matted hair. I see the shattered teeth and the small hole in the back of her head. I see her eyes, green, staring right at me. These things should scare me, but they donít. These images only make me want death even more.

Although I know this is not normal and I know I need help, I donít tell a single soul. This is my secret and I will keep this secret until the day I die, whether that day comes tomorrow or not until Iím old. Whether Iím taken by natural causes, cancer or even an accident, or whether my life has been taken by myself, I will keep this secret. And this secret will destroy me, little by little. And I canít get out.


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Arte-de-Junqueiro Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconwowplz: Thank you for sharing the "whole thing" with us... The shot is great and supports your words - or do your words support the shot?
starlight879 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013
I think the words are more important than the piece. Thank you for the :+fav:
Arte-de-Junqueiro Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Your work - you decide!!
surrealistic-gloom Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
Featured in my latest journal [link] . :aww:
TalkingToMySoul Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Student General Artist
I don't think a preoccupation with death is anything unnatural. Like all mysteries, it is something that has repulsed and strangely attracted man for eons. I don't even think suicide is inherently bad: my belief is that you live your life and accomplish all your goals. If you're done by the time you're 40, and have nothing left to live for, why bother living? I think living sad and alone is far worse than a quick death.

I personally don't think you're done yet. You've proved in this piece alone you have talent, and even a talent for writing. Do what you wish with your life; no one else can tell you what to do with it. But if it were up to me, I'd say let your fascination with death manifest in your art, which is obviously amazing, and keep on living awhile. =)
starlight879 Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012
thank you so much! i'm going to keep on trying i think.
TalkingToMySoul Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm glad. You seem cool. =)

starlight879 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012
I try to be cool. I'm actually kind of a loser lol.
TalkingToMySoul Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Student General Artist
Aren't we all? ;P
starlight879 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012
I don't know lol. There's some pretty cool people out there haha
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