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Suicide Note by starlight879 Suicide Note by starlight879
Suicide Note

I experienced the most amazing and most destructive days of my life not too long ago.

November 17, 2011

I wasnít really paying attention until I heard, ďput a gun in her mouth and pulled the triggerĒ.

Iím sitting with nineteen other classmates about to witness an autopsy. As excited as I was, I knew in the back of my mind that this probably would not be very good for my mental health.

There were two bodies that day. A seventy three year old white male, who had gotten into a car accident. A thirty nine year old white female who essentially ďput a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger.Ē

They began the autopsy of the male, but I couldnít take my eyes off her. She was dead, lying on the metal table, still fully clothed, with blood all over her face and body. I overheard they had finished the autopsy of the male. I thought that was rather quick. They had cut him open, taken out his pacemaker, and closed him back up, ruling his death a death of natural causes. A heart attack probably.

I still couldnít take my eyes off her. I was drawn to her. I didnít exactly feel sorry for her though. Itís not because Iím a mean person, but that I envied her. It was only two months earlier that I had a plan to shoot myself. The only reason I didnít was because I didnít know how to buy a gun.

I wonít share the dirty details of the autopsy but like I said, it was the most amazing thing Iíve ever seen.

Another student during the autopsy said, ďHow could she do such a stupid thing?Ē and not in a sad tone. She literally thought this girl was fucking stupid and a waste of time. I however thought she wasnít stupid. I thought she was courageous. I longed to trade places with her.

Since then on I have thought about death and suicide many times. It isnít normal, I know. I guess when I really think about death, a whisper of fear is always there. I donít want to fear death anymore. I want to welcome it. Now when I think about it, I see her face. I see the dried blood and matted hair. I see the shattered teeth and the small hole in the back of her head. I see her eyes, green, staring right at me. These things should scare me, but they donít. These images only make me want death even more.

Although I know this is not normal and I know I need help, I donít tell a single soul. This is my secret and I will keep this secret until the day I die, whether that day comes tomorrow or not until Iím old. Whether Iím taken by natural causes, cancer or even an accident, or whether my life has been taken by myself, I will keep this secret. And this secret will destroy me, little by little. And I canít get out.

Forever.

Stock:
~Sirius-sdz
~equilerex
*buzillo-stock
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:iconarte-de-junqueiro:
Arte-de-Junqueiro Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconwowplz: Thank you for sharing the "whole thing" with us... The shot is great and supports your words - or do your words support the shot?
Reply
:iconstarlight879:
starlight879 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013
I think the words are more important than the piece. Thank you for the :+fav:
Reply
:iconarte-de-junqueiro:
Arte-de-Junqueiro Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Your work - you decide!!
Reply
:iconsurrealistic-gloom:
surrealistic-gloom Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
Featured in my latest journal [link] . :aww:
Reply
:icontalkingtomysoul:
TalkingToMySoul Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Student General Artist
I don't think a preoccupation with death is anything unnatural. Like all mysteries, it is something that has repulsed and strangely attracted man for eons. I don't even think suicide is inherently bad: my belief is that you live your life and accomplish all your goals. If you're done by the time you're 40, and have nothing left to live for, why bother living? I think living sad and alone is far worse than a quick death.

I personally don't think you're done yet. You've proved in this piece alone you have talent, and even a talent for writing. Do what you wish with your life; no one else can tell you what to do with it. But if it were up to me, I'd say let your fascination with death manifest in your art, which is obviously amazing, and keep on living awhile. =)
Reply
:iconstarlight879:
starlight879 Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012
thank you so much! i'm going to keep on trying i think.
Reply
:icontalkingtomysoul:
TalkingToMySoul Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm glad. You seem cool. =)

:hug:
Reply
:iconstarlight879:
starlight879 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012
I try to be cool. I'm actually kind of a loser lol.
Reply
:icontalkingtomysoul:
TalkingToMySoul Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Student General Artist
Aren't we all? ;P
Reply
:iconstarlight879:
starlight879 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012
I don't know lol. There's some pretty cool people out there haha
Reply
:iconkalliokalleidoscapes:
KallioKalleidoscapes Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Professional General Artist
WOW. I love this image. And I'm blown away by the story. Mostly because I understand your place. I'm there myself.
Reply
:iconstarlight879:
starlight879 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012
Thank you so much! I'm sorry you're in that place too. I hoping one day things will get better for the both of us. :hug:
Reply
:iconkalliokalleidoscapes:
KallioKalleidoscapes Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Professional General Artist
I have hope. It's something I find occasionally. Want to borrow it? ;)
Smile, someone may be falling in love with you.
Reply
:iconstarlight879:
starlight879 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012
I'd love to borrow your hope! lol

And no one is falling in love with me I can guarantee it haha
Reply
:iconkalliokalleidoscapes:
KallioKalleidoscapes Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Professional General Artist
I hear that all too well! But you know what that means? You're strong. I'll send you my hope. Maybe you need it now more than I. ;)
Reply
:iconstarlight879:
starlight879 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012
thanks girl!
Reply
:iconkalliokalleidoscapes:
KallioKalleidoscapes Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Professional General Artist
you are welcome!
Reply
:iconfourteatwo:
fourteatwo Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Student Photographer
If you'd ever like to talk, or vent, you can always message me. Know that this is completely up to you know and I understand 111% if you don't want to. I also realize you have no idea who I am. I really am sorry for the mental process you are going through right now.
Thoughts are private and it's your choice whether or not to share them.
(:
Reply
:iconstarlight879:
starlight879 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012
Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. :hug:
Reply
:iconfourteatwo:
fourteatwo Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Student Photographer
You're welcome.
Don't forget all that I said, please (:
Reply
:iconstarlight879:
starlight879 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012
thank you
Reply
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