Suicide Note

Suicide Note

I experienced the most amazing and most destructive days of my life not too long ago.

November 17, 2011

I wasn’t really paying attention until I heard, “put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger”.

I’m sitting with nineteen other classmates about to witness an autopsy. As excited as I was, I knew in the back of my mind that this probably would not be very good for my mental health.

There were two bodies that day. A seventy three year old white male, who had gotten into a car accident. A thirty nine year old white female who essentially “put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger.”

They began the autopsy of the male, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was dead, lying on the metal table, still fully clothed, with blood all over her face and body. I overheard they had finished the autopsy of the male. I thought that was rather quick. They had cut him open, taken out his pacemaker, and closed him back up, ruling his death a death of natural causes. A heart attack probably.

I still couldn’t take my eyes off her. I was drawn to her. I didn’t exactly feel sorry for her though. It’s not because I’m a mean person, but that I envied her. It was only two months earlier that I had a plan to shoot myself. The only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t know how to buy a gun.

I won’t share the dirty details of the autopsy but like I said, it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

Another student during the autopsy said, “How could she do such a stupid thing?” and not in a sad tone. She literally thought this girl was fucking stupid and a waste of time. I however thought she wasn’t stupid. I thought she was courageous. I longed to trade places with her.

Since then on I have thought about death and suicide many times. It isn’t normal, I know. I guess when I really think about death, a whisper of fear is always there. I don’t want to fear death anymore. I want to welcome it. Now when I think about it, I see her face. I see the dried blood and matted hair. I see the shattered teeth and the small hole in the back of her head. I see her eyes, green, staring right at me. These things should scare me, but they don’t. These images only make me want death even more.

Although I know this is not normal and I know I need help, I don’t tell a single soul. This is my secret and I will keep this secret until the day I die, whether that day comes tomorrow or not until I’m old. Whether I’m taken by natural causes, cancer or even an accident, or whether my life has been taken by myself, I will keep this secret. And this secret will destroy me, little by little. And I can’t get out.

Forever.

Stock:
~Sirius-sdz
~equilerex
*buzillo-stock